Time for a Change

So if you've known me for any length of time, you know battling my weight is an issue for me.  I could probably write for days and days about my lifelong struggle with weight.  It has consumed a great portion of my life, sadly.  I have been "dieting" for as long as I can remember...even back to the days when my grandma used to make me one of her Alba 77 shakes as a snack.  Anyone else remember those??  Anyway, I digress.

I am no stranger to formal weight loss plans.  You name it, I've done it.  Diet Center?  Yep.  Jenny Craig?  Yep.  Weight Watchers?  Countless times.  HCG diet?  Mmmhmmm.    Done them all, been somewhat successful on most of them for a time.  Problem was, they were just a temporary fix.  I never saw them through until the end.  I did it for awhile, but never addressed the root of the problem.

Two years ago I turned 40.  Still extremely overweight, still the girl with the pretty face and the beautiful smile that could light up the room.  Sadly, the beautiful smile was a cover up for so much pain.  Somehow, I had let myself slip into the worst shape of  my entire life.  Not only was I a little overweight, but I had gotten to a place that I never, ever want to be again.

At nearly 42, I was in the largest size of clothes most "normal" stores carry.  As the school year was starting, and everything I owned was uncomfortably tight, I was buying pants in a size 24.  Twenty-four.  They don't make them bigger than that without ordering them online.   My couch and I were far too familiar with one another, and after a long day of teaching all I wanted to do was to just sit.  All night.  I was tired, all the time!  Nothing was really fun anymore.  I was finding excuses and what I thought were valid reasons to avoid doing things with my family.  Anything that involved walking around or anything slightly physical was taxing to me.  Going up a flight of stairs left me absolutely breathless and I would avoid them at all costs.  Mirrors?  Ha!  I became a pro at walking past a mirror and looking away just so I didn't have to face reality.  Over the summer I took a trip to South Carolina with some of my co-workers.  We took pictures one evening and I truly thought that what I was wearing was somewhat flattering...as much as it could be.  But when I saw the pictures I wanted to just crawl into a hole and hide.  How did it happen?  How had I let myself become this person who felt anything but normal while standing next to others??

In January of 2014, my friend Lisa and I started a health challenge.  I was going to make good choices, exercise more, and lose weight.  She had watched her good friend completely change her life and was ready to do the same.  As the month went on, I lost a pound or two, but nothing substantial.  Lisa, however, was transforming right before my very eyes.  Every time we would get together she was smaller and smaller, and just happier and more confident.  I was in awe of what she was doing, and was admittedly jealous of her success.  Within 10 months, she had shed 100 pounds!  She looked and felt amazing!  Her friend had lost, and successfully kept off over 200 pounds!  I knew I had to give it a try.  So in October, I made the decision to take my life back.  I thought about waiting until after the holidays were over because I knew it would be challenging, but when I really started thinking about it, the 2-3 days of food I would miss out on was nothing compared to the nearly 10 weeks I had to start changing my life.  I had thought to myself, "If I can lose 20-30 pounds by January, it will have been worth it to miss out on the holiday foods."  I am SO glad I didn't wait!!

I started my new program on October 20 and have been losing steadily ever since.  I am currently down over 40 pounds and 2-3 clothing sizes!  The majority of clothes in my closet no longer fit me...they are TOO big!!  I no longer fear that flight of stairs...it doesn't wind me anymore.  I even choose to park farther away and walk.  Can you believe that??

Today, I went shopping to try and find a few essential pieces to carry me through the next couple of months (because 40 pounds is just a start for me!).  Out of habit I reached for 3X tops and size 24 pants and I was browsing, then had an "aha" moment!  I am NOT those sizes anymore!!!  I nearly started crying when size 1X and 18's were fitting very easily.  I even picked up a pair of size 18 jeans thinking, there's no way these are going to fit, but I'll try anyway.  Well, imagine my surprise when they not only fit, but they were fairly loose!!  I could go on for days and days about this, but that's enough for now.  I'm sure I'll share more as I experience more victories.

For my sweet friends who have never had a challenge with their weight before, much of this just will not resonate with you.  Everyone has their challenges in life, but if weight isn't one of yours, you just can't truly understand the struggle of despising your image or the sheer joy of clothes fitting the way they were intended to.

For my friends who CAN understand what I'm sharing here and are ready to make a change, please consider joining me.  I have decided to become a health coach with Take Shape for Life and I am so looking forward to helping YOU make a change.  The new year is right around the corner...won't you join me?  I sure wish I had joined Lisa a year ago!

For the first time in a LONG time, I purposely wanted to take pictures this Christmas...and actually be IN them!  I love who I am becoming and that I am CHOOSING to live my life...not just let it pass me by.  Happy New Year and stay tuned for more adventures from me.  Au Revoir, Little Biscuit!

Sweet Sixteen

I promise this blog won't normally bring you down, I'm generally a pretty upbeat kind of girl.  But today is a different story.  You see, today we would be celebrating "Sweet Sixteen" for our daughter Kellie.

It's so strange how my emotions to this day have changed over the last 16 years.  Sometimes it feels like an absolute lifetime ago when I was a young 25 year old mom-to-be.  We had the nursery ready with a sweet teddy bear theme and our hearts were ready to accept the baby that God chose for us.  We knew she was going to have problems.  Lots of them.  Spina Bifida, for one.  We had met with doctors and neurosurgeons and had our "team" ready for her surgeries that would be necessary after birth.  We had been "adopted" by Shriner's hospital for her care later on which whatever would come.  But, none of that was to be.

At almost 30 weeks, our sweet girl just stopped breathing.  I knew when I hadn't felt her move for a day that something was wrong.  I can still remember vividly going to my doctor's office to check for the heartbeat and just begging and pleading with God to hear it just one more time.  Just. One. More.  But we didn't.  He sent us to our perinatologist for an ultrasound that confirmed our worst fears.  Our sweet baby girl was gone.  Soaking in that news still seems unfathomable to me.  I can be taken back in a heartbeat to our drive home...passing the white fences on 141 near Manchester.  Every time I see those fences I am instantly taken back to that day where I remember riding in a car just numb, and thinking how wrong it is for your child to die before you do.  It's just so unnatural.

We had two choices.  We could induce labor and deliver her, or wait and let nature take its course.  There was no guarantee that the second option would happen anytime soon.  In my mind, I couldn't fathom the thought of just carrying on as usual while waiting for labor to happen.  I couldn't face a single person who would dare to ask the innocent question of when my baby was due.  We chose to induce.  It was a long and grueling labor, but 42 hours later our daughter was born.  She came out breech...another sign that it was just too early.  1 pound 12 ounces.  She was so tiny.  And so still.  Those hours that we spent with her were precious and heartbreaking at the same time.  Such a menagerie of emotion.  When I thought I had held her for long enough, it was time for her to go.

Leaving the hospital with empty hands and an empty heart is something I wouldn't wish for anyone to experience.  Coming home was almost as bad, because I was hit with a barrage of emotions around every corner.  Passing by her empty nursery each day was beyond difficult.  I can't count the number of times I would just go in her room and sit in the rocking chair and just cry.  And cry.  As her due date rolled around the diaper and formula samples started coming in the mail.  Just more reminders of what should have been.

Eventually, somehow, you just pick up the pieces and life resumes some sort of "normal".  Looking back at the time that has passed, some days that memory is as fresh as can be, other days I have to read her scrapbook to remember the details I thought I would never forget.

One thing I do know is that God never once left my side.  In the darkest and most horrible days of my young life, He was there and I felt His steadfast presence dragging me along to do this thing called life.  That moment in my life helped me to draw closer to Him than I ever have, and for that I am grateful.

I know if Kellie were alive today, we wouldn't be celebrating a traditional sweet sixteen.  Her life would be challenging in so many ways.  I don't know why God chose to take her so early.  I struggled with that for a long time, but I have peace about it today.  Peace that she is whole and perfect, and that I will see her again.

Au Revoir, sweet girl...and happy birthday.

It Shouldn't Be That Hard!

And so it begins...

"I think I'll blog that!"  How many times have I muttered that to myself after something funny or memorable happens, only to remind myself that there's only one problem...I don't have a blog.  Until now! Welcome to the Land of the Free, where any idiot thinking person with a computer and internet access can share her thoughts for anyone who cares to read them.

Speaking of blogs, do you KNOW how difficult it is to come up with a title for a blog?  You'd think that would be simple, but it's not!  You have to have something witty that defines what your blog will be about, but it can't be too specific.  Or weird.  It shouldn't be weird because, well it just shouldn't.

After many attempts to be brilliant, I came up with one of my favorite little quotes that my son and I share daily.  Au Revoir, Little Biscuit.  It's how we say goodbye and goodnight...and it just felt right! :)

A little about me...

I'm a pretty normal gal, nothing out of the ordinary.  Mom to 2 kids, a teen and a tween.  Married for a long, long time to a pretty cool guy.  Third grade teacher by day, super-cool Jamberry consultant and Team Manager by night.  Christ-follower just trying to walk the walk and remember to be grateful for the multitude of blessings I call my life.  There are way too many animals in my home, that never seems quite clean enough.  I'm on a journey to better my health.  More about that later.

That's all for now.  With any luck I'll remember that I actually have a blog and you'll get a peek into my crazy world from time to time.

For now, au revoir Little Biscuit.