Sweet Sixteen

I promise this blog won't normally bring you down, I'm generally a pretty upbeat kind of girl.  But today is a different story.  You see, today we would be celebrating "Sweet Sixteen" for our daughter Kellie.

It's so strange how my emotions to this day have changed over the last 16 years.  Sometimes it feels like an absolute lifetime ago when I was a young 25 year old mom-to-be.  We had the nursery ready with a sweet teddy bear theme and our hearts were ready to accept the baby that God chose for us.  We knew she was going to have problems.  Lots of them.  Spina Bifida, for one.  We had met with doctors and neurosurgeons and had our "team" ready for her surgeries that would be necessary after birth.  We had been "adopted" by Shriner's hospital for her care later on which whatever would come.  But, none of that was to be.

At almost 30 weeks, our sweet girl just stopped breathing.  I knew when I hadn't felt her move for a day that something was wrong.  I can still remember vividly going to my doctor's office to check for the heartbeat and just begging and pleading with God to hear it just one more time.  Just. One. More.  But we didn't.  He sent us to our perinatologist for an ultrasound that confirmed our worst fears.  Our sweet baby girl was gone.  Soaking in that news still seems unfathomable to me.  I can be taken back in a heartbeat to our drive home...passing the white fences on 141 near Manchester.  Every time I see those fences I am instantly taken back to that day where I remember riding in a car just numb, and thinking how wrong it is for your child to die before you do.  It's just so unnatural.

We had two choices.  We could induce labor and deliver her, or wait and let nature take its course.  There was no guarantee that the second option would happen anytime soon.  In my mind, I couldn't fathom the thought of just carrying on as usual while waiting for labor to happen.  I couldn't face a single person who would dare to ask the innocent question of when my baby was due.  We chose to induce.  It was a long and grueling labor, but 42 hours later our daughter was born.  She came out breech...another sign that it was just too early.  1 pound 12 ounces.  She was so tiny.  And so still.  Those hours that we spent with her were precious and heartbreaking at the same time.  Such a menagerie of emotion.  When I thought I had held her for long enough, it was time for her to go.

Leaving the hospital with empty hands and an empty heart is something I wouldn't wish for anyone to experience.  Coming home was almost as bad, because I was hit with a barrage of emotions around every corner.  Passing by her empty nursery each day was beyond difficult.  I can't count the number of times I would just go in her room and sit in the rocking chair and just cry.  And cry.  As her due date rolled around the diaper and formula samples started coming in the mail.  Just more reminders of what should have been.

Eventually, somehow, you just pick up the pieces and life resumes some sort of "normal".  Looking back at the time that has passed, some days that memory is as fresh as can be, other days I have to read her scrapbook to remember the details I thought I would never forget.

One thing I do know is that God never once left my side.  In the darkest and most horrible days of my young life, He was there and I felt His steadfast presence dragging me along to do this thing called life.  That moment in my life helped me to draw closer to Him than I ever have, and for that I am grateful.

I know if Kellie were alive today, we wouldn't be celebrating a traditional sweet sixteen.  Her life would be challenging in so many ways.  I don't know why God chose to take her so early.  I struggled with that for a long time, but I have peace about it today.  Peace that she is whole and perfect, and that I will see her again.

Au Revoir, sweet girl...and happy birthday.